I am writing this article not to catch attention, not to end my life, not to question why life messed up sometimes, but to relieve me of the guilt for not telling the world why suicidal notes shouldn’t be taken lightly, more specifically why those people afraid to dance with their own misfortunes cling to death like the only option left.
Have I written one? Have I thought of it? I would be lying if I said “No”. For years I’ve been thinking about thousand ways to die and million solutions to combat a mental crime. It is not that suicidal people were running out of choices – sometimes dying is possibly the only option at the moment, like the only answer to their sufferings and the only remedy to stop their miseries. It makes no sense for those who valued life but caveats should string along with such delicate matter.
Frankly, it occurred to me that morbid choice but I wasn’t ready to cross the line. I am not that strong enough to press the “death button” for reason that I still thirst for the truth of my existence. For some people it is a frightening thing to talk about but have you ever walked in our shoes? Do you understand our journey?
If you have never passed this horrendous route, then you’re doing well in your odyssey. Good job amigo! And never ever buy a ticket just to experience its begrudging trail.
I’m not ashamed to tell the world about this ordeal and I am writing for and on behalf of the million people with the same adversary. What’s in our mind? What’s eating us? And all the whats questions on your list about this mental crime I’ll give you a clue.
Let’s begin with the letter I wrote dated March 2011:
Why were you not so nice to me? There is nothing glorious in my life now; I tried to see the positive side of life but I cannot find the right words to make them understand that living is too painful right now. How can I stop hurting people? I know it will hurt my family but how will I end this pain? Why am I not special? Why can’t I make life perfect? Had I known all the answers to these questions, I would never knock on your door. The only thing I wanna taste now is my own blood, the only place I wanna live now is nothingness, I don’t see myself special anymore, and I hate what I see in the mirror, I cannot even describe it for you as it is disturbing, despicable, and disgusting. Felt like am cursed and am in hell now. I am sorry.
Seriously, I was a lost voyager that time, driving the same highway, the same routine, seeing the same billboard; it was really a monotonous journey, as nothing worth venturing that time. I slogged through in pursuit of happiness yet fruitless. So I stopped connecting with people and thrown a pity party instead. Then I caught myself preparing my own funeral as I wasn’t happy anymore.
We all have terrible days, dark secrets, unresolved regrets, shameful battles – we all go through series of distress yet only a few managed to withstand its dreadful impact. How did I survive? It wasn’t easy, but worth fighting for. Sometimes our thoughts are too powerful they lure us to self-destruction. While baiting negative reasons, life took advantage of my weaknesses and wrote a reply to death.
I’m really sorry but I cannot take your call while I’m in the middle of processing her thoughts. Sorry if I made you feel upset but I need to turn you down. You were right I wasn’t nice to her; I like to put much pressure on her, demand difficult tasks because I want to teach her important lessons – lessons of survival and hope. The adversary she is facing now is my way of molding her into a better person. If she feels like there is nothing glorious in her life now? Remember that everything is fleeting, even her pain, I may be hard on her but it will be nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed to her in the future. If she wants to stop hurting people then she must stop hurting herself too. The only way to end this suffering is not by knocking on your door but by seeking more of me – seeking truths about me. I’m not going to sugar-coat anything and tell her that “feel all of them and she’ll be fine” cause I know it takes time. If she wanna taste her own blood she must see to it it’s like drinking fine wine, turning downfalls to victories, accepting the situation she is in and that she is in control of every sip. If she wanna live into nothingness allow me to join her, at first she’ll get annoyed by my presence, yet she must keep her eyes on the ball, wait cause I’m going to break the end of the tunnel for her to see the light. If she feels like she isn’t special, glad she’s wrong because she’s the chosen one to bear this cross, one day someone will look for her and read her story for she has surpassed the special test of life. She’ll be the greatest victor and the light to someone with the same plight. But for now, allow her to feel all the pain… allow her to entertain thoughts of you… a risk I will leave to you cause I know your willingness to cooperate with me. Don’t give in to her desires, you have your time, she’s still my responsibility, I am teaching her how to play with life creatively until it’s time.
Let us always remind ourselves that what had happened cannot be undone, but we are always in control of our responses. Believe that the best choice to face all adversities is to choose life.
According to Josh McDowell, “No matter how devastating our struggles, disappointments, and troubles are, they are only temporary. No matter what happens to you, no matter the depth of tragedy or pain you face, no matter how death stalks you and your loved ones, the Resurrection promises you a future of immeasurable good.”
Written by: Quirky Shine