~The Suicide Note~ (An Article)

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I am writing this article not to catch attention, not to end my life, not to question why life messed up sometimes, but to relieve me of the guilt for not telling the world why suicidal notes shouldn’t be taken lightly, more specifically why those people afraid to dance with their own misfortunes cling to death like the only option left.

Have I written one? Have I thought of it? I would be lying if I said “No”. For years I’ve been thinking about thousand ways to die and million solutions to combat a mental crime. It is not that suicidal people were running out of choices – sometimes dying is possibly the only option at the moment, like the only answer to their sufferings and the only remedy to stop their miseries. It makes no sense for those who valued life but caveats should string along with such delicate matter.

Frankly, it occurred to me that morbid choice but I wasn’t ready to cross the line. I am not that strong enough to press the “death button” for reason that I still thirst for the truth of my existence. For some people it is a frightening thing to talk about but have you ever walked in our shoes? Do you understand our journey?

If you have never passed this horrendous route, then you’re doing well in your odyssey. Good job amigo! And never ever buy a ticket just to experience its begrudging trail.

I’m not ashamed to tell the world about this ordeal and I am writing for and on behalf of the million people with the same adversary. What’s in our mind? What’s eating us? And all the whats questions on your list about this mental crime I’ll give you a clue.

Let’s begin with the letter I wrote dated March 2011:

Dear life,

Why were you not so nice to me? There is nothing glorious in my life now; I tried to see the positive side of life but I cannot find the right words to make them understand that living is too painful right now. How can I stop hurting people? I know it will hurt my family but how will I end this pain? Why am I not special? Why can’t I make life perfect? Had I known all the answers to these questions, I would never knock on your door. The only thing I wanna taste now is my own blood, the only place I wanna live now is nothingness, I don’t see myself special anymore, and I hate what I see in the mirror, I cannot even describe it for you as it is disturbing, despicable, and disgusting. Felt like am cursed and am in hell now. I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Death

Seriously, I was a lost voyager that time, driving the same highway, the same routine, seeing the same billboard; it was really a monotonous journey, as nothing worth venturing that time. I slogged through in pursuit of happiness yet fruitless. So I stopped connecting with people and thrown a pity party instead. Then I caught myself preparing my own funeral as I wasn’t happy anymore.

We all have terrible days, dark secrets, unresolved regrets, shameful battles – we all go through series of distress yet only a few managed to withstand its dreadful impact. How did I survive? It wasn’t easy, but worth fighting for. Sometimes our thoughts are too powerful they lure us to self-destruction. While baiting negative reasons, life took advantage of my weaknesses and wrote a reply to death.

Dear Death,

I’m really sorry but I cannot take your call while I’m in the middle of processing her thoughts. Sorry if I made you feel upset but I need to turn you down. You were right I wasn’t nice to her; I like to put much pressure on her, demand difficult tasks because I want to teach her important lessons – lessons of survival and hope. The adversary she is facing now is my way of molding her into a better person. If she feels like there is nothing glorious in her life now? Remember that everything is fleeting, even her pain, I may be hard on her but it will be nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed to her in the future. If she wants to stop hurting people then she must stop hurting herself too. The only way to end this suffering is not by knocking on your door but by seeking more of me – seeking truths about me. I’m not going to sugar-coat anything and tell her that “feel all of them and she’ll be fine” cause I know it takes time. If she wanna taste her own blood she must see to it it’s like drinking fine wine, turning downfalls to victories, accepting the situation she is in and that she is in control of every sip. If she wanna live into nothingness allow me to join her, at first she’ll get annoyed by my presence, yet she must keep her eyes on the ball, wait cause I’m going to break the end of the tunnel for her to see the light. If she feels like she isn’t special, glad she’s wrong because she’s the chosen one to bear this cross, one day someone will look for her and read her story for she has surpassed the special test of life. She’ll be the greatest victor and the light to someone with the same plight. But for now, allow her to feel all the pain… allow her to entertain thoughts of you… a risk I will leave to you cause I know your willingness to cooperate with me. Don’t give in to her desires, you have your time, she’s still my responsibility, I am teaching her how to play with life creatively until it’s time.

Sincerely,

Life

Let us always remind ourselves that what had happened cannot be undone, but we are always in control of our responses. Believe that the best choice to face all adversities is to choose life.

According to Josh McDowell, “No matter how devastating our struggles, disappointments, and troubles are, they are only temporary. No matter what happens to you, no matter the depth of tragedy or pain you face, no matter how death stalks you and your loved ones, the Resurrection promises you a future of immeasurable good.”

Written by: Quirky Shine

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​~Dash~

Tick-tock-tick-tock

The clock is ticking

I am in between the ebb and flow

Of holding on and letting go

Tick-tock-tick-tock

Chasing the glorious morning

I am somewhere in the middle of joy and sorrow

Better things fall together

As the sky changes its color

From crimson red to pale mint blue 

Tick-tock-tick-tock

Devoid of muse to write a tale

Short of words 

Let mine heart be guided

Hush the clamor of the soul 

Silence speaks of love and passion

Tick-tock-tick-tock

Do you hear what I hear?

A beat catching up with old melodies

I don’t have enough time to rewind past symphonies 

Only got a minute dash to collect sweet reveries

Before memories of you fade
(c) Quirkyshine

~Fallacies~

​Dear love,

You are my comfort zone. Yes, I feel safe with you, yet you are not my favorite place, never will be. You are not my kind of haven and I’m so sorry. Forgive me for keeping a safe distance until I learn more about parameters. I wanted to try new formulas and solutions but am afraid it will be another misguided calculation. So allow me this time to reflect on things that matter most. 
Are you just a fleeting emotion?

Are you my anticipated failure?

Are you my future hesitancy?

Are you another proof of uncertainty?
While yielding to disprove your fallacy, I will let time unfold itself and test my own theory. I believe there’s more to our story. More and more to learn… hence, I’ll keep on testing these hypotheses till I master the art of loving you.
Yours truly,

Doubting Heart
(c) Quirkyshine ❤❤❤

​~I’m Always the One Who Loves More~


I remember those times I called myself a fool…

Fool to believe in “happy-ever-after-endings”.

I was so eager to fall, to take the leap, 

To unleash the chain of fear that once bound my reasoning,

Craving to experience all the wonders and joys of being in love…

The warmth that goes with his kisses and caresses. 

Yes I was a fool to believe in its inconceivable spell,

Like he was the spark in my eyes, the magic I pined for to feel.

I got lost… so lost in my dreams while searching for a pot of gold,

But luck seems distant – a hard catch like his heart.

~

I was a fool to believe that I belong to him,

That he had my thoughts in the palm of his hand,

I stumbled upon his wits yet I know he’s someone I can never be with,

And this love is a tricky game…

Someone has to lose… yes, I was ready for it.

He was the comfort I tried to chase but nothing can hold him back.

I remember those times I called myself a fool…

For finding a star in the sky that would fit his smile,

For learning a language that would complete this poem,

For wandering in a place hoping he would save me.

~

This is the darkest side of love, pushing us to make poor choices, 

One that leaves a permanent scar.

And in this tricky game, someone’s heart bleeds to death…

Surely not him,

As I’m always the one who loves more.
(c) Quirkyshine   ❤❤❤

​~I Don’t Wanna Fall in Love with You~


Not that I don’t like you…

It’s more than that…

More than a phone call

More than pull of gravity

More than a special feeling

It’s like paradise, almost heaven

Closer but not quite

Not the kind of fear I bear 

Not the kind of smile I wear

You are – what my lips can kiss.

You are – what my heart cannot hold

You are untouchable 

Yielded

Non negotiable

You are everything

You are nothingness 

You are my loss

My greatest gain

You are the mean, median, mode

You are science

The theory of my existence 

You are math

The solution to all my whys and what ifs in life

You are art

The unfinished portrait in my mind

But I cannot fall for you

I’m scared to love you

Afraid it grows deeper

Deeper than eternity 

I’m scared to lose you

Afraid I won’t recover

I don’t wanna fall in love with you

Not that you are unlovable

But you are more than anything in this world

Not even the greatest poet in the universe can get close to such feeling

I don’t wanna fall in love with you…

Not until I find the right words to say
(c) Quirkyshine

~How Does it Feel to be Friendzoned?~


There I go…

The zone I am quite familiar with,

The pinch of anguish,

The tone of fervent prayers,

Those restless days and sleepless nights.

Tables turned am back to square one.

There I go again…

Off to this tormenting avenue,

I know much of the place,

The bumpy roads,

The driveways and alleys,

The lanes and streets,

And the end of it.

I dwell not on its pain…

But the bitter taste and 

Sickening scent of falling

Slowly driving me insane.

Those butterflies in my stomach

Even science cannot explain.

How does it feel to be friendzoned?

Oh! It’s like drowning in your own dream

That knock of death of an uninvited guest

The thrill it gets when secrets laid bare

Whose mess is this?

When it’s a love I can’t have.
© quirkyshine