~8 Minutes of No Heartbeat~

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I guess it’s a healthy habit to travel back in time once in a while and do reflections on some important events in our lives – events that weren’t pleasant at all and yet can be a piece of gem when we turn it into something beautiful. Life is short but are we fully aware of it? What do you know about life? What do I know? Probably this is one of the many reasons why I was called to write a post about my story and why God made me a writer. It has always been about “life”, “love”, and “the value of time”.

“Nodular Sclerosis – Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma” (NS-CHL) a name that scared off my family and friends. Lymphoma is the most common blood cancer and there are many types of it. Mine was the most common subtype of Hodgkin Lymphoma but it nearly killed me. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was diagnosed with it and having treatment, but that was 4 years ago. It was August of 2012 when I felt some of its symptoms, I had difficulty in breathing and swallowing, and according to the tests, I had a tumor growing inside my throat as big as a regular body soap. I couldn’t imagine that huge awful thing was blocking my food and air ways. A total of 11 months of battle; 12 days in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) just to resolve my breathing problems; and 4 times I passed out – my heartbeat dropped flat, doctors had to revive me.

How does it feel to die? It was a beautiful experience actually. All I could remember was an intense chest pain that I had to draw a heart to inform the nurses around me of the unbearable pain and then suddenly I could not recall anything – I guess death is really the end of pain. There were no visions, no bright lights, no clouds, no stairways, no other realm, no other world, not even sea of fire. Unlike those near death stories, mine was not focused on what I saw but what I learned from that 8 minutes of no heartbeat.

Yes, 8 minutes of no heartbeat. No vision of heaven at all and yet the moment I opened my eyes, I saw angels in white uniform and white coat, I saw God weeping for me through my family who were there at that moment, I heard His voice – telling me, “dear daughter, you were given another life so make a little heaven, live, and make someone feel better.

I didn’t see any bright lights but that 8 minutes of darkness brought me to a different dimension. It is not what we see when we die but what we do with our lives in preparation for eternity.

Neither clouds nor stairways – what is heaven like? Is heaven real? that 8 minutes of no heartbeat and then was revived in time, I believe there’s a purpose or a reason for everything. Heaven is just waiting out there, but we can be someone’s heaven, someone’s angel, and someone’s blessing making them feel that heaven is real. That we live in a chaotic world but we can be an answer to someone’s prayers.

There are no other realms, no other world, not even sea of fire because we have the power to choose. We can live miserably, we can choose not to live, but we have the control, while we are alive, while we can – we can always choose to live happily and be at peace with anyone. We have the power to heal and the power to bring healing to people’s lives.

I am truly grateful for that experience – it is an experience worth sharing. Something worth remembering.

Trials are like tumors in different forms and we have to embrace the nature of its malignancy. Things can go wrong but if we dwell on it for so long, we’ll surely miss the beauty of life.

Death is beautiful – there is nothing to fear. But let’s wait for our time and prepare for it. Make most of our lives and be an inspiration to everyone. We always have the choice even at the point of death. September is Lymphoma awareness month and also my birth month – got so many things to celebrate. But if there is one thing… just one thing to be victorious about… that is my gift of life. Thank you for the time and for reading my post and May God bless us all.

© quirkyshine

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~The Suicide Note~ (An Article)

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I am writing this article not to catch attention, not to end my life, not to question why life messed up sometimes, but to relieve me of the guilt for not telling the world why suicidal notes shouldn’t be taken lightly, more specifically why those people afraid to dance with their own misfortunes cling to death like the only option left.

Have I written one? Have I thought of it? I would be lying if I said “No”. For years I’ve been thinking about thousand ways to die and million solutions to combat a mental crime. It is not that suicidal people were running out of choices – sometimes dying is possibly the only option at the moment, like the only answer to their sufferings and the only remedy to stop their miseries. It makes no sense for those who valued life but caveats should string along with such delicate matter.

Frankly, it occurred to me that morbid choice but I wasn’t ready to cross the line. I am not that strong enough to press the “death button” for reason that I still thirst for the truth of my existence. For some people it is a frightening thing to talk about but have you ever walked in our shoes? Do you understand our journey?

If you have never passed this horrendous route, then you’re doing well in your odyssey. Good job amigo! And never ever buy a ticket just to experience its begrudging trail.

I’m not ashamed to tell the world about this ordeal and I am writing for and on behalf of the million people with the same adversary. What’s in our mind? What’s eating us? And all the whats questions on your list about this mental crime I’ll give you a clue.

Let’s begin with the letter I wrote dated March 2011:

Dear life,

Why were you not so nice to me? There is nothing glorious in my life now; I tried to see the positive side of life but I cannot find the right words to make them understand that living is too painful right now. How can I stop hurting people? I know it will hurt my family but how will I end this pain? Why am I not special? Why can’t I make life perfect? Had I known all the answers to these questions, I would never knock on your door. The only thing I wanna taste now is my own blood, the only place I wanna live now is nothingness, I don’t see myself special anymore, and I hate what I see in the mirror, I cannot even describe it for you as it is disturbing, despicable, and disgusting. Felt like am cursed and am in hell now. I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Death

Seriously, I was a lost voyager that time, driving the same highway, the same routine, seeing the same billboard; it was really a monotonous journey, as nothing worth venturing that time. I slogged through in pursuit of happiness yet fruitless. So I stopped connecting with people and thrown a pity party instead. Then I caught myself preparing my own funeral as I wasn’t happy anymore.

We all have terrible days, dark secrets, unresolved regrets, shameful battles – we all go through series of distress yet only a few managed to withstand its dreadful impact. How did I survive? It wasn’t easy, but worth fighting for. Sometimes our thoughts are too powerful they lure us to self-destruction. While baiting negative reasons, life took advantage of my weaknesses and wrote a reply to death.

Dear Death,

I’m really sorry but I cannot take your call while I’m in the middle of processing her thoughts. Sorry if I made you feel upset but I need to turn you down. You were right I wasn’t nice to her; I like to put much pressure on her, demand difficult tasks because I want to teach her important lessons – lessons of survival and hope. The adversary she is facing now is my way of molding her into a better person. If she feels like there is nothing glorious in her life now? Remember that everything is fleeting, even her pain, I may be hard on her but it will be nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed to her in the future. If she wants to stop hurting people then she must stop hurting herself too. The only way to end this suffering is not by knocking on your door but by seeking more of me – seeking truths about me. I’m not going to sugar-coat anything and tell her that “feel all of them and she’ll be fine” cause I know it takes time. If she wanna taste her own blood she must see to it it’s like drinking fine wine, turning downfalls to victories, accepting the situation she is in and that she is in control of every sip. If she wanna live into nothingness allow me to join her, at first she’ll get annoyed by my presence, yet she must keep her eyes on the ball, wait cause I’m going to break the end of the tunnel for her to see the light. If she feels like she isn’t special, glad she’s wrong because she’s the chosen one to bear this cross, one day someone will look for her and read her story for she has surpassed the special test of life. She’ll be the greatest victor and the light to someone with the same plight. But for now, allow her to feel all the pain… allow her to entertain thoughts of you… a risk I will leave to you cause I know your willingness to cooperate with me. Don’t give in to her desires, you have your time, she’s still my responsibility, I am teaching her how to play with life creatively until it’s time.

Sincerely,

Life

Let us always remind ourselves that what had happened cannot be undone, but we are always in control of our responses. Believe that the best choice to face all adversities is to choose life.

According to Josh McDowell, “No matter how devastating our struggles, disappointments, and troubles are, they are only temporary. No matter what happens to you, no matter the depth of tragedy or pain you face, no matter how death stalks you and your loved ones, the Resurrection promises you a future of immeasurable good.”

Written by: Quirky Shine

Murder

“MURDER”

 

Wandering through the beautiful park,

This lovely sweet young lady met a strange young looking man.

This man who has angelic eyes is filled with evil desires,

Drawn by his sweet words, this young lady fell into his trap.

 

With force, violence, and intimidation,

He took her away from her beautiful world.

When everything turned gloomy, this young man did all his demonic rituals.

Then depth of darkness begins to enslave her soul.

Tears start to fall in her weary eyes.

Helpless!! She cried for mercy…

“Please don’t kill me,” she begged.

But no one could hear her loudest screams.

 

She was choked up with so much terror,

Suffocated in her own scent of death.

Alas! Darkness is consummated!

Knowing that this will be her twisted fate,

She spoke her last words, “Good bye Cruel World!”

Then her lifeless body couldn’t be saved anymore.

MURDER!

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