Everytime I close my eyes
I see different scenarios
Of you, of us…
of breaking apart…
of you loving someone else…
of me struggling to breathe
Of you regretting…
of me moving on…
Yes, so many stories in mind…
so many thoughts run wild…
Then slowly fade
When I fall asleep.
Nothing hurts more than
Giving your best shot
And being left alone with so much pain in the heart
I know you tried your very best to see the wisdom of everything…
Behind every downfall
I know you are stronger than yesterday
Yes I know you will survive
Yet allow me…
Allow me to wander in solitude sometimes
I wanna let time unfold itself…
Twist the hands of the clock
Tighten the verdict of reality
And let healing find it’s way back to me
I know you need to breathe
Sniff the scent of goodness this life could offer
Would it be alright to refuse your call?
I wanna yield into sadness for a short while
See the truth why I have to savor its’ sickening taste
Why I have to torture myself and
Dwell into forbidden thoughts
I wanna hold on to memories of my unfriendly past –
Till I master the art of letting go
I know you’re weary and tired
You wanna rest and live in peace you’ve been praying all night
Yet permit me…
For a moment
And find the way to life
It is through this rebellion
I could clarify my confusions, resolve the mystery of a broken vow,
And decipher the hidden code of this sorrow.
Yes I wanna drown myself in bitterness
Kill the hope in my mind
Till it buds forgiveness
And ready to betray darkness
Hold on to me
Till I see the light
Never will I let you down
I promise to
Free you of the pain
That’s haunting you in vain
We will survive.
(c) Shine Lum (Quirkyshine)
*a contest piece
*originally posted on http://hesaidshesaidph.com/note-to-self1/
Sometimes I think about a memory. So beautiful I keep coming back. A memory I wanted to last but heart’s too broken some feelings turned into dust. There are those wonderful times that made us fall in love with the sound of chimes. How sweetly life seemed to be that moment your heart has finally set on mine. We were young and wild fascinated by magic and fairy tales, a happy ever after painted in the palm of our hands. And I remember the paper boats and paper planes they took us to places beyond the reach of our imagination. We were so drawn to each other like we were standing on different magnetic fields.
Yet we were too good to be true… too naive to understand the beating of our hearts… I wasn’t ready to take the leap at all.
Then we parted ways… your ship has sailed… I missed all the chances to say the least… at least a quick farewell.
And so these memories are my ways to see you again… that even in my thoughts I can be with you and I can tell you what my heart longs to say. Once upon a summer time you are the story found in the archive of my memory.
How do we get out from a painful memory, when traces of sorrow, betrayal, and heartache leave a permanent mark on our hearts?
How do we run away from our past mistakes, when guilt evokes thousands of emotions we really don’t have to dwell?
How do we achieve peace of mind when old wounds barely heal?
How do we move on from history, when the only way to set us free is to keep playing the same old track over and over again?
And though we know an escape from all these setbacks, we still choose to be victims and slaves of our fateful plight. We miss to enjoy the future as we are too afraid to take the flight.
We are who we are because of our scars.
Scars aren’t meant to scare us. They are meant to complete the whole story. They are traces of our yesterdays. Scars are memories, good or bad they serve as lessons. They teach us what and what not to live for in the coming days. And that’s the truth about our scars.
Scribbling words… Emptying souls… Filling hearts.
Behind the scenes…
It is easier to fake a smile than let the whole world know how vulnerable we are when too much pressure is on.
The race isn’t over yet, but we tremble each time we meet a new challenger. The rival has to come out strongly and rattled our state of complacency.
In this moment of confusion, we see only a very dark shadow and hiding behind the silhouette is our frail soul trying to accede to our own demise. We took our drama off camera and had to reckon with our terrible mischief.
What we believe is that we are too small to fit into this world and too weak to wear the silver crown. We know we have the strength to compete and the means to finish the race, but we deny ourselves of such victory as we are too coward to give it a try.
Instead, we put up a facade every day, covering those truths of our malady. And here comes a greater plague to storm our thoughts, a test to expose our real character.
Maybe we have to face our own tragedy and play different roles far better than what is portrayed in reality. Let us wait for the director’s cue as the reel starts rolling. Lights, camera, action. What they see is not what they get. Behind the scenes we are facing our own oblivion.
What hurts more than loving someone who pretends to be deaf-mute, ignoring all the verses in your heart, songs that were meant to fill their voidness, yet you are not the person who can quench their thirst for affection.
You are not their reflection and you are not their direction.
You are not the one who can satiate their needs, who can find the things that were taken from them, and who can rescue them while they seek solace in times of confusion.
Moments like these like you want to retreat from all pain. Shielding yourself in a lonely cold fortress. Holding your heart to console its frailness. Together with a song that arouses melancholic rhythm, it is just you and your heart all this time. As you cannot force someone to listen what your heart is dying to tell. And that’s the saddest truth of a love that is unrequited.
I am lost in your enormous radiance
You are the crowning glory of the night
The flickering hope that sparks souls on fire
If only I could keep you forever
Then there would be no rising of the sun
You are the magic my heart needs
Light up tiny shimmering flies
Before the dawn